This probably won't be a very long or informative post but I've found in the past that this blog has been a great outlet for me and almost like a therapy session.
Since I last posted, lots has happened! I'm back to work, I got engaged to my best friend, I have lots of family weddings coming up, one of my best friends asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding in November and another very close friend is getting married in April. I have dealt with a lot of loss of people I have become close to through a support group on Facebook, one girl in particular who I had gotten very close to, who was only 28 when she passed away. I'm still living in my parents house but hoping that will change later this year, everything going well. So in this post I am just going to chat about a few things that have been going on/ have been on my mind.
Getting Back to Work
I started back to work in September of last year. 2 months after treatment had ended and a year and 2 days from my date of diagnosis in 2017. I started back doing 3 6 hour shifts a week - 8-2. Many people had said to me previous to this that it sounded like I was taking alot on and maybe I should ease myself back to work starting with shorter shifts or less days. I was having none of it, 18 hours a week should be manageable surely? It was manageable but it was absolutely exhausting. It would get to about midday each day and chemo brain would kick in and I was useless. This was very difficult to deal with as being in a supervisory capacity in work I wanted to be alert and able to do my job well. I couldn't understand that I was struggling so much with work when at one point I was doing 39 hours a week, attending college, had college work to do and had a boyfriend who lived in Kilkenny so I did alot of driving! I came home from work everyday and went straight to bed and was basically useless for the rest of the day.
After 4 weeks I increased my hours to 24 hours a week over 3 days - 8-4.5. The change was again so exhausting, I had barely gotten used to the 18 hours a week and here I was faced with longer days. I was never forced by work to increase hours, it was a decision I made myself because I felt I should push myself and should be able to manage it. After another 4 weeks I increased my hours to 30 a week over 4 days, 3 8-4.5 shifts and one 2.5-9 shifts. Initially this seemed impossible and made me feel dreadful that it was making me feel so exhausted and the main focus of my life became being able to go to work, the rest of the time I would be trying to rest and get ready for the next day/next week. I had intended on getting back to 39 hours a week in January 2019 but I realised it just wasn't feasible. I needed more time to adjust and work was very understanding and allowed me to take some unpaid leave until I feel ready to get back to 39 hours a week. So that is where I am now!
I might add that my job is very physical. It involves standing and moving around all day. Pushing, pulling and lifting and using your brain! Going from a year where alot of it was spent in bed or very sedentary to physical work was a huge adjustment. Having had a Mastectomy on one side also caused me alot of muscle pain when lifting and pushing, which thankfully has eased off but after a busy week I will still have muscle pain to contend with. I also have caught every bug going and have had a few sinus infections/chest infections, colds etc. I have been sick ALOT since going back to work but I guess what can you expect when your immune system has been poisoned! Work is gradually getting easier but I know it will take a long time for me to get back to where I had been and I can deal with that once I can see progress.
Diet and Exercise
I gained an absolute tonne of weight during treatment. I was inactive and during chemo I was the hungriest I had ever been in my life. Now treatment has ended and I am back to work I am really trying to get back in shape and get some form of fitness back. Before I was diagnosed I had just lost 4 stone doing a fairly extreme diet and I knew I couldn't handle doing something like that again. I want to lose weight in a healthy, balanced way that I will be able to maintain once I get to my goal weight. I have been using |MyFitnessPal to do this and its very early days so I don't have much to report on but it is starting to shift and I am absolutely determined to get back to where I was pre diagnosis. I walk 3-4 times a week also and I have just today joined a gym (a very lovely lady convinced me to do it!) So I am hoping I can push myself to get a good, healthy routine going.
I did cut out dairy and meat for a while but I found it to be very difficult and felt I wasn't getting enough nutrients in what I was eating. I have started eating both again but try to eat mainly Organic dairy and very little red meat, more fish and I will have a few days a week without any meat or fish for dinner, just plant based foods. I have stopped eating processed foods and have started cooking fresh meals and even making my own soup! I find that cooking healthy food from scratch is time consuming so I try to cook enough for a few days at a time as somedays after work I just don't have the energy to spend an hour+ cooking.
I am still taking supplements that I feel are beneficial to me; I take curcumin, immune support, fish oils and a multi vitamin every day. I take a teaspoon of Manuka honey alot too to try and help my immune system. I was taking a blueberry supplement as it had been found beneficial in Triple Negative Breast Cancer but decided to just have a decent portion of blueberries everyday instead as I'm not fond of taking pills unless necessary!
Hair
My hair is growing well. I've had it trimmed twice now and its strong and thick! Its a bit mad and hard to control as its kind of curly but I'm hoping that it'll calm down as it gets longer and the curls will drop out of it. Fingers crossed!
Mental Health
This is the main reason I wanted to write this post. I wanted to write about mental health after cancer, my own and my experience of talking to other women about it.
As I mentioned in a previous post I had suffered with Depression and Anxiety from a young age. I didn't struggle too much with it during treatment as I think my mind was so focused on getting through each stage of treatment and I had no other obligations at the time. I had no kids to mind, I was living in my parents so I had no house to worry about and I was off work so my main focus was getting through the year and trying to rebuild my life. Each stage of treatment went so well for me, I was lymph node negative, I had a complete response to chemo, I wasn't very unwell during chemo, I recovered well from surgery and I didn't have any issued with Radiotherapy so I wasn't struggling too much other than the normal fatigue and I guess the difficulties with my body and appearance changing so much.
Then treatment ends and it is a very very happy day. Everyone is delighted you got through it and you had a brilliant outcome. Time for everything to go back to normal? If only that were the case, that treatment ended and suddenly everything was normal again. I had gotten used to being in the hospital constantly during those 10 months, I felt safe because there was always someone at hand to answer questions or give me advice. Then suddenly that safety blanket is ripped out from under you. Obviously finishing treatment was one of the happiest days of my life, but it was also one of the scariest days of my life. I felt like I was just being sent off to live my life and that I was now completely responsible for my health. I was the one who'd have to recognise if the cancer returned.
The reason I wanted to write this is because many of the women I have become close to had said to me that often the hardest part of dealing with cancer is when all the treatment has ended. Because you now have the time to process what has happened during the last year and often it is a big struggle to regain normality in your everyday life.
I am lucky to have an amazing support system but there are days where I feel like people in my life have forgotten that I am only 6 months from finishing treatment from cancer. I am still exhausted, I am still trying to process that year in my head, I have times where the future seems very scary and uncertain. I have days where my anxiety is through the roof and I am overwhelmed by my thoughts and everything I need to do/should do.
Its so important to realise that once cancer treatment is over it doesn't mean that everything will immediately go back to normal. For some people they will never regain the same life and describe this as their new normal. Treatment may kill cancer (not for everyone) but it takes a huge amount from your physical and mental health and that takes a long long time to repair.
Follow up Treatment
Follow up treatment for me includes a yearly Mammogram and an alternating 6 month appointment with my Oncologist and Breast Surgeon. I had my first Mammogram since treatment ended in September on my remaining breast, as obviously the surgery side no longer has any breast tissue to be mammogramed. I had the test done and was told by the Radiographer that everything looked fine so I didn't bother to ring for results. I felt that surely she wouldn't have told me that unless she was absolutely sure. I got a call a few days later to say they needed me to come back in as there were some changes in the scan from the previous one. This was absolutely terrifying to hear, I was lucky they gave me an appointment the following day as I spent the entire time after this phone call crying and catastrophising. When I went back in the following day they did the scan again and also did an ultrasound and everything turned out to be okay, which made me feel like an idiot for losing my mind for the previous 24 hours!
I have decided to definitely go ahead with having a Mastectomy and Reconstruction on the non-cancer side as a Risk Reducing procedure. For me I feel like it is the only option that will allow me to move forward and worry somewhat less about what the future has in store for me. I was meant to have this surgery on the 14th of this month but unfortunately the surgery had to be cancelled as there has been an issue with implants in the EU. I am hoping that the surgery will be rescheduled in the next few weeks so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!
